Friday, 22 November 2013



Bound For Leather.

Since the dawn of time, scholars through lost translations have tried to find the meaning of life. While author after author have inscribed text after text that goes down in the concrete engraved world of historical and legendary writing. Guys like Shakespeare, Twain, Dickens, Chaucer, Kerouac, the libraries go on...and then of course there's Ron. Open one of his many leather bound books and you'll read something so transcending that it could burn your eyes like that human torch that banks turn away. Yep, that's right they're kind of a big deal like the 'Channel 4' Anchorman of San Diego, California himself. We all became cult followers of the classic 'Legend Of Ron Burgundy' and this Christmas 'The Legend Continues', but before that comes something you'll want to see under your tree more than a jazz flute, lamp, bottle of sex panther, or even the man himself. Christmas has come early you smelly pirate hookers as the legendary newsman has released his tell-all, memoir. The autobiography of Ron Burgundy 'Let Me Off At The Top-My Classy Life & Other Musings'. By the beard of Zeus, the perfect scotch table read hits you like a straight shot to the ovaries.

As you open this book, you'll be met with the familiar classic book smell of rich mahogany, but the words themselves would put any teleprompter to question mark shame. What more could you expect from the man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel tower out of metal and brawn? Still, beware San Dieogans and beyond if you are easily offended or aroused you should put this book under the bed with the mistress and the rest of the monsters. If you are of a certain race, or ethnic background, belong to a religious group, live in a particular country, are of a particular gender or age, and generally live or're in trouble. Black, white, rich, poor, young, old, boy, girl, man, woman, cat, dog, you can all join hands together in one world and be royally offended, but hey this is Ron and when it comes to Mr. Burgundy he can even tell his own town where to go. The man who put whale's vagina's on the map is going after everyone on it...even dinosaurs aren't safe...and they're extinct. From his humble beginnings to having the greatest hair you could ever wish to touch (he shares some of his grooming habits and horsehair myths here too), this is the mustache you really must ask after this Movember. The renowned ladies man will leave you with a pattern in the pleats as he teaches his fellow man how to get a woman in just one breath (and all it's back-of-your-neck varieties), while also telling us the secrets and stories, anchoring his own man. From comparing his love-rat status to "six Wilt Chamberlain's"  and even sharing an intimate moment with Bruce Lee.

Ever wondered how to behave in a prison riot? Feces throwing or masturbation? Ever needed any advice on how to handle yourself in a bar-fight? Well let Burgundy's Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary take you for a round, punch by punch. In epic battles that will leave more than just tridents on the floor. This is a man who camped with Bobby Kennedy and maybe did a little more with Walter Cronkite. This is a man who tells us that Joni Mitchell makes him want to kill himself...and as for the Bible...well which book do you think this bar-humble man thinks is better? The book featuring inspiring passages and life lessons to live by...or that one you find in every hotel room? Burgundy's scribe is full of it...literally. Basketball diaries of star wars to wrestling with Jackalopes. From neighborhood disputes to Watergate-like revealing moments in world history that will finally be seen for what they are, through the eyes of the premiere man of telling the news with salon quality hair. A man who has broke such stories as; squirrels on water-skis and pandas giving birth. Speaking of salon quality hair, Ron also dishes the dirt on Hollywood legend Warren Beatty and reveals that he might not just be the one-woman man we thought he was. Yes! Really! I didn't mean to spoil it but that Warren! It doesn't get much crazier than this. With all these revelations and secrets shared no wonder some of this book is blanked out...they'll get it right by the final draft...oh...wait. Proving he has the balls to write this book, his way, the Sinatra of news-casting let's it all hang out in the wind, with one scotch for his Baxter and one for the road.

Sip, by sip this book goes down smooth in one read, from the history of Mexico to healthy eating advice for your kids ("if you don't eat your vegetables, the Burgundy boys will kick your ass"). With hands on advice from the man who dealt with live bears (here's a tip, no disco lights or Donna Summer), you won't immediately regret the decision to buy this book. Its the perfect read and companion if you find yourself ship-wrecked back at your home on whore island. It all comes together perfectly from the man who "invented the Wonderbra and the Supersoaker in the same day". The only thing that's missing is perhaps a whammy preface from Champ Kind, or on the scene foreword by the ever forward Brian Fantana. Or perhaps an afterword from Brick, "I love book" anybody?! Still, this is Ron's book and he wont let anyone else take away his moment. They say when there's a will there's a Ron, but even that Ferrell creature is merely a semi-pro or step brother to the man who can sell Lego, Ben & Jerry's and Dodge Durango's all in one go while offending ballroom dancers and all horses great and small (read more here and learn how to actually break a steed with some carefully whispered ("YOU'RE AN IDIOT"!) words). Hey, everybody! Come and see how good this book looks. From his news-team being assembled and honored in a Washington D.C Newseum to the pages going for the Pulitzer, Ron Burgundy's legend is about to make history again. You're going to want to be on this book. From conversations with himself to a portrait of his life with picture perfect proof this man is hitting all the high-jazz notes. Through it all, chapter and verse, the legend that is Ron Burgundy reads, writes and keeps it classy. TIM DAVID HARVEY.

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